The 40/70 Rule: New Study Helps Seniors and their Families Communicate

04/11/2011 19:40:19

Communication hurdles with ageing loved ones can best be overcome by following the new 40-70 Rule, according to a first-of-its-kind study by Home Instead Senior Care, Ireland’s leading in-home care provider. Analysis of the findings revealed that when the child reaches age 40 or the parent reaches age 70, whichever comes first, communication can become difficult.

"Lack of communication can lead to misuse of medications, self-neglect and accidents," said Ed Murphy, Chief Executive of Home Instead Senior Care. "Our goal is to educate the public about the 40-70 Rule and practical ways for adult children to talk to their parents now about topics such as driving, finances, independence and even romance."

The research, which surveyed adult children 45 to 65 years of age, showed that nearly one-third of adults have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the child-parent, rather than a peer-to-peer, role.

"Because of this obstacle, adult children may wait until an emergency or crisis happens before talking to parents," said Murphy. "It's best to open up the dialogue early."

More than half of the adult children surveyed who still see themselves in the child-parent role have the most difficulty talking to their parents about whether it's time for the parent to leave home. Their parents' desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensitive issues as health (28 percent) and money (21 percent), too.

Half of the respondents were interested in learning more about their parents' cognitive condition. Are memory lapses indications of early-stage Alzheimer's or simply senior moments? Forty-seven percent of adult children are "not very" or "not at all" comfortable speaking to their mums or dads about their romantic lives.

"A gentle inquiry such as, 'It seems you've been seeing quite a bit of Fran recently,' is appropriate," said Murphy. "If you sense the new love interest may be taking advantage of your parent financially or that there may be abuse involved, some additional probing is justified."

At the centre of the 40-70 Rule campaign is a guide of conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects. The free guide, features possible responses to some of the most awkward senior subjects.

"When talking with parents about driving, for instance, approach the topic with care and don't automatically assume it's time to take the keys," said Murphy. "If there's been an accident, ask what happened and then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge skills and deficits."

“If your parents acknowledge a problem on this issue or others, ask what they think would be good solutions”, he said. “Avoid patronising speech or baby talk that may put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect. To help ease the tension, adult children should analyse their relationship with the parents and perhaps make some changes”, said Murphy.

"If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble or crisis, then they can expect the parent to continue acting out the parenting role," he said. "But if the child becomes truly independent and stops acting out these behaviours, then the parent may be more likely to relinquish the parent role."

“Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person”, said Murphy. “Good communication is vital to helping families know when it's time to seek additional responses, for example, the help of a professional caregiver”.

“The bottom line is to keep talking because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to changing life circumstances”.

For the 40-70 Rule guide, contact your local Home Instead Senior Care office.